"Happy Father's Day, Mom!" ... Not So Much.

     

 Day 3. The dust has settled & the smoke has cleared. All parties have retreated to their neutral corners. Thank you. Love U. 'Preciate It. If you missed it consider yourself blessed. If you witnessed it consider yourself stressed. BUT, if you were all up in it, wrapped up in the thick of it all, consider yourself a Mess. Negativity, hatred, & drama were the theme of the day. If you're still in the dark as to what I'm talking about, I'm referring to Father's Day. That's right F-A-T-H-E-R'-S D-A-Y!!!!

     The morn'ting started off beautifully with much love shown to the dads who get up & make it happen for their seeds everyday. Not just the biologicals, but the stepdads, granddads, god-dads, uncles, brothers, nephews, all who pitch in to provide strong, solid, stable 'Father figures' for those without. Cool. I have no problem with that. Then it took a turn: Happy Father's Day shout-outs to single moms. Okay, I've often seen this done before. I've done it, shouting out the Sistas pulling double duty. Heck, I've even said it to my mom, knowing full darn well I have a dad, alive & well. May not be the "ideal" dad, but ... he IS my dad. Sometimes we all just get caught up in the matrix of "monkey see/monkey do," without giving thought to what we're repeating. Anywho, the "Happy Father's Day, Girl" greetings became a bit too much on my Twitter timeline. It became a war of venomous tweets which made me log off for a bit. I then decided to go to Facebook & see what was poppin' over there. Gasp & swoon, it was much of the same if not WORSE! And the saga of the 'Battle of the Sexes' continues ...

     My Facebook network became something like a terrible car wreck. You know you shouldn't look, but you can't look away. And that is because you cannot believe what you're seeing. There were women who were not only shouting each other out, but also acknowledging the “deadbeats.” HUHHH!!??? And on the other end of the tug of war rope were the stand-up dads, who were angry at being ignored. They rationalized the women as bitter spinsters who are their OWN reasons for not having "a man." This back & forth bickering went on ALL DAY LONG. And all I could think to myself was "Who's taking care of the children?"

     By the end of the day I had a massive headache & I just had to Shut It DOWN. Before I logged off Facebook, I updated my status with a message that read as follows: 

{Steppin' 2 Podium PISSED OFF; Adjustin' Mic; BLASTIN' OFF >>>} ATTN. LADIES: PLEAZE Stop Embarrassing Yourselves By "Shouting Out" A "Deadbeat", Who Isn't Thinking About You & Yours. God GOT You! And God Got HIM! Let The Chips Fall Where They May & Raise Your Child 2 Be A PRODUCTIVE Member Of Society. Be BETTER/Not Bitter! {Pops Collar; Exit Stage Left}

I logged off and shut down my laptop. My mind was spinning like a wheel in a hamster’s cage. I took a moment to just absorb it all & tried to figure out where everyone was coming from. This was a night for a double yoo-hoo on the rocks.

     As the daughter of a deadbeat I know first hand the harm & effects of being raised without a strong male presence in my life. I also know that the hateful back & forth helps no one, & solves nothing. Not trying to take sides, but for the first time I was able to see why some Brothas call us bitter, angry, black women. Not all, but far too many Sistas are giving negative energy to an already dire situation. And just because you're the primary care-taker doesn't make you a great one. If you are still harboring anger & resentment, please don’t think it’s not being filtered out to the children. They grow up being bitter & angry and are more likely than not to repeat the same pattern. It’s a cycle of broken homes perpetuated in the black community because of this new embrace of ig’nance!

Giving shout-outs to “deadbeats” is as ignorant & pointless to me as giving shout-outs to “Haterz.” In doing so you give them attention & the power to continue to make your life a living hell. At the same time, you’re disregarding the efforts of the Brothas who have stepped up to the plate & taken their parental responsibilities seriously. Y’all need to be encouraging one another. Instead, you’re focused on who ain’t focused on you. Not to mention, carrying the bitterness from past relationships blocks blessings- for both you & your seed. It disallows new experiences into your lives.  So why stay in the rut? And what’s the real reason for your “shout-outs”? Let’s keep it one-hundred: Are you sending “Happy Father’s Day, Girl” shout-outs because you truly believe y’all play both roles? Or, is that your way of taking a dig at the dude you thought would wife you? Be honest, because the one common thread amongst most of these Sistas is that they’re single. There are many other moms on my page whose children’s dad isn’t in their lives, yet & still I didn’t hear a peep from them. And their new mates ain’t worth diddley. They’ll be disgusted that the absent parent isn’t holding his end of the bargain, but not straight BITTER! So what’s the REAL issue here? Is there anger because the child is being neglected? Or, is the mom disgruntled because SHE’S neglected? So maybe she’s not as mad with “dad” as she is with herself. Sistas, if that is the case, then handle that. No one raped you. The father of your child was hand picked by YOU! Work out your issues, because at the end of the day, the only one who is truly hurt & devastated is the babies.

     We need to be careful with words. Words will make or break us. Life & death is in the power of the tongues. And while we have put our business out on front street, you have big White owned/White operated corporations such as Hallmark who are capitalizing off the breakdown of the black family. They now sell cards & coffee mugs which recognize single moms on father's day. Sure they'll use their own in the advertisement, but its clear & present who the target market is. In addition, I think that when we celebrate “Mothers as Fathers” we’re playing on dangerous territory. It sends the message that the role can easily be filled, undermining the need for males to step into their manhood & take back their rightful place in our homes & communities. What message are we sending to our young boys? How is he learning to be a man, father & husband if we endorse the notion that men are obsolete from the family structure? Even the gay community recognizes the need to bring in the opposite sex where child rearing is concerned; therefore, bringing forth a more balanced, well rounded child. Why are WE not getting the picture? Because a lot of us repeat behaviors & ideas that have been passed down to us like ol’ wives’ tales. We often think it’s cool because it’s what mama said, auntie said, granny said, etc. Yet we never think about how their practices- good or bad- may have affected us as children. Sistas, I’m not beating up on you. I’m asking that you stand firm & hold our brothers accountable for being the fathers our children need. Whether you need that man or not, your children do. And when you make him think “I got it,” he thinks “you got it,” and will go on about his business. Negative. Stop letting them off the hook with our pride & foolish Super Woman stances, and get back to the business of raising families again- even if the man does not share your bed.

Brothers- Y’all know what’s up. The one thing I know about a Black man is that nothing stands in his way when he really wants to do something. Having said that, I do not buy it when y’all say a Sista’s attitude prohibits you from being a dad. Our sassy ways & salty mouth may have contributed to the demise of the romantic relationship, but it has nothing to do with your paternal obligation. MAN IT UP. I would imagine being a parent is stressful enough. Don’t add to it. She’s already dealing with the child, not to mention the child that is you. MAN IT UP. And if your child & baby mama count exceeds what your paycheck can afford, MAN IT UP & SNIP IT UP. Assorted kids with multiple baby mamas is SO yesteryear. Get somewhere & sit down. 

     I’m not a mom, but I have one who is the GREATEST in the world. Hands down, there is nothing she wouldn’t do for me. I know this. I knew it as a kid, as a teen, and I know it now! She clothed me, fed me, educated me, & housed me. It was she alone who instilled in me morals & values, plus a knowledge & love of God. She attended my school plays, band recitals & SOME of my MC battles (Side Bar: even though she ain’t know what the HELL was going on). I was her baby & that was all she needed to know. She is a nurse & a Pentecostal minister who raised me solo. With so much on her plate I never felt slighted, neglected, or unloved. Mom was there for me & the same holds true today. My dad … not so much. He wasn’t totally MIA, but he liked to do “drive by parenting.” Today I overstand that he was doing the best he could with what he was given. Not to make excuses, but it is what it is. And as great as my mom is, she’s not my dad. She went above & beyond the call of duty, but she could never be to me what my dad was supposed to be. And neither was he. I keep it one hundred. Daddy/daughter relationships are precious & I went without it. There was no fill- ins for me. That part of my life is null & void. And I believe that once we start kicking it to our Brothas with that level of truth & intensity, they may be forced to re-evaluate their position & step that game up. I still love my dad. He’s daddy. And I love my mom immensely. She’s mommy. Super Mom; the woman I aspire to be like when I grow up. She’s mom- not my dad- and in my eyes that’s as much as plenty.