Sins of the Father.

“I blame you for nothing, yet forgive you of everything …..”- Mary J. Bilge

Ever since I was a little girl I’d hear my mom say “the Devil is a liar!” Well, because of it I thought the Devil was my daddy ‘cause he was a liar as well. Fantastic liar, oh em gee, the man is AMAZING! And that is largely because my dad actually believes his lies. Well, without putting all the family laundry out there- long story short- dear ol’ dad had a whole other life & family my mom didn’t know about till I turned six. And a year after that, it was discovered that there was someone else with whom he also had a child. Yeah. Dad covered his tracks well. And because my Mom was never one of those women who had to be up under him 24/7, it wasn’t hard to do. Plus, by then my Mom had completely given her life to the Lord which was another bone of contention for Dad. That fool thought HE WAS God. They had been strained for quite some time, so when my Mom found out the full truth it was easy for her to let go. My Mom respected herself enough to sever all ties with him, yet keeping the lines of communication opened for my sake.

As time went on it wouldn’t be long before dad’s lies would trickle down to me. “Hey Stace, I’m coming to get you next Saturday!” “Stace, I’m gonna come get you and we’re going to go shopping.” “Stace, I’m going to bring you to meet your other brothers and sisters.” “Stace, I’m going to come get you for your birthday & you can do whatever you like!” The long list of unfulfilled promises went on. Nothing ever came into fruition. Because I was the “outside” kid I was left out of the loop. Dad wasn’t at my band recitals, my school plays, open school night, or anything else that a parent would attend with pride. Child support checks were scarce, however, he’d always over compensate for Christmas. Under my tree were enough toys to open my own Toys R Us. Anything I’d ask for I had on Christmas morning- except him. He was never with me. I was never with him. I never got to be around him & the other children. There was no “holidays with the family” for me where he was concerned. Like Rudolph, he never let me join in any reindeer games.

I’d like to say I wasn’t affected by his shenanigans, but how could I not be? I’m his youngest daughter, but I’m definitely not a “daddy’s little girl”. Dad not being a part of my life was a collaborative effort on the part of him & mom. Mom protected me from him and his tomfoolery by any means necessary. She didn’t want me hurt and thought it was best to just keep me with her at all times. Not that he couldn’t come see me, but I was not going anywhere with him. That was fine by him seeing how he really didn’t want to be bothered anyway. He’ll never admit it, but actions speak louder than words.  At times I’d feel less than. Not all the time, but … I’d definitely have my moments. What did I do? What did I not do? Why would you not want to be around me!? I was a great kid if I do say so myself. I was smart, cute, & lovable with chubby cheeks & a winning smile! I LOOK JUST LIKE HIM! I thought, “How could you turn your back on me? How could you not wanna raise me?”

Today, as a 30+ year old woman, I now know that my father’s problems were just that- His problems, not mine. Neither mom, nor I, did anything to cause any of his confusion. That’s something he came to the table with when they met in the 70’s and he has to work that out for himself; if and when he’s ready to be completely honest. So when I see Tiger Woods & all his drama, I think of Dad. Tiger is said to be up to mistress number 12 and a possible “love child” in the mix. Again, I think of dad. I think of two men who are so dissatisfied with themselves that they will forever be reaching for “satisfaction” in foolish pleasures. Only someone who is confused about who & what they are could distribute themselves out to so many others, & expect to return back whole. Negative. Their ego will inflate, right along with their penis; however, so will the disconnection between themselves and the ones who truly love & care about them.

People get caught up in what they want to do. And that’s fine until you start involving spouses and children. The shame & embarrassment that is inflicted upon them because of someone else’s infidelity is unacceptable. There is nothing cute about being sloppy and messy. An assortment of children with multiple baby mamas/baby daddies is a recipe for a self-destructive cocktail. And I don’t want to hear anyone else say, “it’s okay ‘cause I take care of all of them!” You’s a lie! Because there is no way in hell you’re going to be able to deal with all those kids needs, wants, feelings, emotions, & attitudes effectively without someone in the bunch feeling slighted. “Taking care of” is more than spending a little dough. Bottom line: nobody suffers like the kids. As much as Elin may be hurting right now, and I don’t mean to trivialize it in any way, time will heal all wounds. She, if she desires, could possibly find a new mate and start over new. But her kids are still stuck with the same ol’ idiot dad, and will always feel the effects of his “transgressions”- just like myself. Sins of the father.

I love my Dad. Please don’t get things twisted. I love him as much as any daughter in my shoes could love her dad. And like most folks, he’s not a bad person, but he has made bad choices. However, he did attend my HS graduation. Dad was there to give my sister away at her wedding six years ago. And he was there with me and my family to bury my uncle a few months ago. They were best friends. So, dad may not have been there when I wanted him, but he had a tendency to slide in at the stretch. He’s actually very handsome, good looking, funny & charming, and a whole lot of fun to be around. You know, he’s a lot like me! Well I’m not handsome, but … you get the idea. I can see the allure that would make the ladies gravitate to him. If only he’d use his powers for good. But he didn’t and there were consequences. As with everything, good or bad, you’ll reap what you sow.   Everything done in the dark will come to the light. Which is why cheating makes NO SENSE to me! If I’m not getting or giving what is needed, and it can’t be repaired, we need to just end things.  You go your way, and I’ll go my way. Not that there wont be anger, but at least you’ll be able to look into the eyes of your children with a clear conscious. Isn’t that worth enough to make you want to do the right thing?

Spread Love …It’s The Bklyn Way!