PRAISE is What I Do.

“Though you slay me, yet will I trust in him …”- Job 13:15

     On July 27, 2009 I lost my uncle to interstitial lung disease. ILD is when your lungs can no longer retain oxygen. My uncle had a breathing condition since he was a kid. Added to the fact that he was in the construction industry & a heavy smoker all my life certainly didn’t help matters. He’d often complain about having “a little breathing problem”, but never made a big fuss about it. So when he went into the hospital for a few days in May, it didn’t cause much alarm or concern. Uncle Luke was a colorful, comical character who would add dramatic effect to any situation; however, he would never let us worry about him. “I’ll be fine” is what he’d always tell us. He returned to the hospital again on June 1, still no real sign that his condition was terminal. Correction: the signs were there, we just didn’t recognize what we were looking at. More importantly, he wasn’t going to let us find anything anyway. You see, my uncle knew of his condition and what his fate would be. Unc just neglected to fill us in. He was taking truck loads of meds & had more asthma pumps than a little bit. But like me- a fellow Aquarian- my uncle never let anything get him down. He still laughed. He still joked. For the most part my uncle remained his usually jovial self until the end. Sure he had his good days & bad days, yet he never got depressed, which would have signaled to us something was wrong. Everyday I’d go on food runs for him: Big Mac, Two Apple Pies, Fried Chicken, Mashed Potatoes, Oatmeal Cookies, & A 20oz. Pepsi. Don’t get me wrong, he wouldn’t eat ALL of that stuff everyday single day. However, his requests would come from that menu. He’d also have special blankets. Special blankets he’d prefer because hospitals are COLD. I’d take them back & forth from the laundry to the hospital, from the hospital to the laundry. Sometimes the hospital wouldn’t have his brand of meds, so I’d have to go from my end of Brooklyn to his in order to get it for him. It was a strain, it was a struggle, but he was my mother’s brother. I did it for them both. All the while my uncle would never complain about his extended stay in the hospital. Most people would be asking “what the hell is the problem? Can you fix me? And when am I going home?” Uncle Luke said none of the above. I am convinced that he was content staying in the hospital because he knew his true health status & didn’t want to risk dying in his home.

It is now mid-July and Unc’s health is declining. He’s on various breathing machines, but he’s alert, coherent, & can speak to us. I never dreamed the end result would be death. No, by now I suspected something was wrong but was in deep denial. They were talking about putting him in a respiratory rehabilitation center, but at this point his lungs were too weak & he wouldn’t have made it. A week before he passed my mom visited with him at the hospital. The doctor came into the room and asked my uncle if it was okay for him to discuss his condition with my mom: my uncle co-signed. And it was then that my mom would find out that my uncle’s condition was terminal & he didn’t have long to live. My mother- a praying woman- began to pray immediately. That was on a Wednesday. From that point on everything was done to make my uncle more comfortable. He was even given a tracheotomy in hopes that he would be able to breathe better. According to the monitors his oxygen levels were high, but he was sedated so we never got to hear it from him.

The following Monday morning we- the family- were scheduled to have a meeting with the doctors to discuss further care for my uncle. He had no wife or children, which made him solely reliant on us. Unc also hadn’t appointed a healthcare proxy; someone to make decisions for him when he couldn’t. It was at that meeting where they explained his condition & told us that he knew all along. WTF? I was hearing the doctor, then again I wasn’t. My mind kept weaving in and out trying to process how & why my uncle would keep this secret from us. No time to play the blame game, we had to make decisions. Standing firm on my Malcolm X soap box, I told them to keep my uncle alive by any means necessary. Partly because it’s what I thought he may have wanted my decision was based on pure selfishness. I didn’t want to let go. After the brief meeting, me & my mom went back to my uncle’s hospital room & sat with him for a while. We didn’t stay long because we wanted to let him rest. His oxygen levels were great, but I did notice his blood pressure was extremely low. My mom & I took him by his hands and prayed with him. We then kissed him goodbye & headed back home.

The hospital is no more than 10 minutes from where I live. And no sooner than I was unlocking my door to enter my apartment, the hospital was calling me to let me know my uncle’s heart stopped. A few moments later Uncle Luke had made transition. I didn’t cry. I was relieved. Relieved my uncle was no longer suffering and I was blessed to have spent his final moments with him. His quick departure let me know that he DIDN’T want to be kept alive “by any means necessary”. He knew that by me being at that hospital everyday I watched him die. Knowing that he inadvertently put us through enough he gave up the ghost. I am almost convinced he waited for us to leave the hospital before he’d pass.

A few days after my uncle’s funeral, my aunt was diagnosed with colon cancer. Are you serious? I couldn’t believe what my mother was telling me. How could this be? How could this have gone undetected for so long? My Aunt had a stroke when she was 37 years old, not much older than I am. But aunt Lulu would always bounce back. Like my uncle, she’d never let anything keep her down. She’d take a lickin’ & keep right on tickin’. So I remained extremely optimistic when I was told of her condition. Her children were taking great care of her & she’d speak with my mom often. I spoke with her exactly this time last week & she sounded so healthy & strong. My mom said the same as she spoke with her over the weekend. That would be the last time we’d both speak to her. Aunt Lulu made transition yesterday morning.

So why the long story? Simple: I have to show you where I’m at so you’ll see where I’m coming from. Losing two family members in a three month time frame could be devastating. Anybody else in my shoes might have caved already. Not I. I understand that when I prayed for the healing of my aunt & uncle God did just that. Not in the way that I’d hoped, but in the way that he saw fit. Their healing was not to get better for a while & stay on this corrupted earth with me. Better than that, their healing came in the form of the kingdom of the almighty God. I cannot be mad with that. Sure I’ll miss them, sure I’ll mourn them. But I had to realize that our prayers were keeping them here longer than they wanted to be. God ALWAYS answers prayers. We just have to learn when to accept the answer being NO! Either way it is well with my soul. And because of it I will continue to have both hands lifted up with my mouth full of praise. You have to have a thankful heart in order to fully appreciate his blessings when he bestows them. And when you can give thanks & praise in your darkest hour, all else is a cake walk. Having a praying mother has taught me how to be prayerful. And in being prayerful I CANNOT, no, I WILL NOT allow Satan & his tests to deter me from the path God has prepared for me. My life has been purchased with his blood & I owe him my all. Plus, I have so much to be thankful for. I have my life, health, & strength. I wake up everyday Loved & Desired: by my family, friends, associates & all else in between. I know who I am & I Love being that woman. Beautiful & strong, God’s hands are upon me & because of that I can conquer anything. Now what do I have to be sad about?

My aunt & uncle have gone home to be with the Lord. And I can’t deny that the separation from them hurts. My faith is being tested, but the “administrator” of these tests is about to be so disappointed. It is in these times I am often reminded of one of my mom’s favorite scriptures, ROMANS 8:35-39; “Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? As it is written, ‘For thy sake we are killed all the day long: we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.’ Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him that loved us. For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come. Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

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